The Truth Behind the Lies
by Aerisca
Summary: Squall examines his and Rinoa's relationship and comes to some conclusions. There is only one problem, it's on their wedding day.
1. Revelations

Truth Behind the Lies  
  
I stood staring at the church. The first rays of sunlight causing the tombstones to cast long shadows, and changing everything a beautiful shade of gold. A dawn wedding, symbolic of the new start to out lives.  
  
When the light dared to pierce the shadowy edifice before me, it shone through beautifully crafted stained glass windows. I imagined the patterns and colours it must make and the swirling dust motes dancing in the light. It would be beautiful. Perfect. All I could see were the tombstones that stood like watchful sentinels; reminders of a haunted past and premonitions of a turbulent future.  
  
Tombstones aside it was beautiful. An isolated church on the outskirts of Winhill; the perfect setting for a fairytale wedding of a knight and his princess. And not just any knight and his princess, the saviours of the world. We were the new breed of celebrities; a group that people could admire not just for being pretty faces but for being strong, brave, noble and true. The wedding of Rinoa and I was just the icing on the cake. But I didn't want to marry her.  
  
I had confided this to Zell the night before, to try to explain how I felt and to open up to someone as they have all tried to make me do - although for purely selfish reasons. I had hoped that he would call everything off and I would be spared the embarrassment and pressure. He had just laughed it off and had told me that everyone gets cold feet before their wedding and it was nothing to worry about. It was and still is.  
  
Two hours before I had been fine, two hours before I had thought that maybe I really did love Rinoa the way I was supposed to, but as time had worn and the drink had increased I knew that I did not. It's funny isn't it that you do your clearest thinking in an alcohol induced fog, all the barriers are down and you can admit the truth to yourself and others, and so there was that desperate, drunken confession.  
  
It was my stag night, my last night of bachelor freedom before I committed my life to the woman I loved, or thought I loved. During the Sorceress Wars I had truly believed that I loved her; she was easy to love. Beautiful, bubbly, charming, outgoing, everything that I was not. She was the light to my darkness, the yin to my yang. It was picture perfect and so it could never be real; because you see, perfection does not exist, and things that seem perfect hide only corruption. 


	2. Foxhole Love

Oops forgot the disclaimer on the last chapter. No, I don't own FFVIII ot any of it's characters, I'm just playing with them for the moment.  
  
***************  
  
How do you know that you are in love? Is it church bells ringing and birds singing, or is it a certainty that when you look into someone's eyes that you can see eternity beckon? I think that the latter is true love; my love for Rinoa was a whirlwind of emotions conjured forth by our situation.  
  
Foxhole love that's what it's called. We had lectures on it in training, and I received many sidelong glances from Quistis as she spoke.  
  
*****  
  
"Foxhole love is the term given to relationships between soldiers on the battlefield." Quistis' commanding tone rang out across the room, making the heads of students snap up as they were jerked from their reverie.  
  
"Under extreme conditions of stress bonds form between comrades and they sometimes develop into intimate liaisons. Normally these are purely sexual affairs to release tension but they do have drawbacks. Emotional attachments can then ensue, this is why they are strictly prohibited between SeeD's who serve together.  
  
These attachments lead to a priority being placed on the life of a partner instead of on the mission at hand. Indeed there are even cases of entire units being wiped out because a SeeD broke ranks to attempt the rescue of a lover, needless to say it is pointless." Quistis paused to rake her eyes across the classroom, settling for a brief moment on Squall.  
  
Pushing a strand of her golden hair behind her ears she continued, "These rules may sound draconian and outdated to you but I am afraid that if you wish to become SeeD's they are ones which must be obeyed. Therefore those of you that are going to be taking the SeeD exam this year should remember these facts:  
  
1. Sexual relationships are forbidden between SeeDs who serve on the same squad. They are also frowned upon between any SeeDs.  
2. The mission is always the priority. Callous as it may sound personal safety is secondary to this.  
3. Under no circumstances should a sexual relationship be undertaken between a Seed and his or her client. It is completely unprofessional and results in immediate expulsion from both SeeD and Garden.  
  
Taking a breath Quistis stopped and glanced down at her watch, it was practically the end of the lesson and it hardly seemed worth beginning a written exercise. However Quistis Trepe had not become the youngest ever instructor by allowing her students to slack.  
  
"Now if you will switch on your terminals I would like you to write a one thousand word essay on the reasons why SeeD and garden have these rules. On my desk by tomorrow morning if you please."  
  
Stifling a groan Squall pushed the power button on his terminal and watched as the screen flickered to life..........  
  
*****  
  
It makes sense. A highly stressful time leads to people reaching out for others and trying to find some comfort in a seemingly hopeless situation. My isolation only made it worse, I never experienced anything that approached affection before, not that I could remember; and so the first person who persevered enough to break through my shell won my heart. Or my attention for a short while.  
  
A crow erupted from the bush behind, black wings flailing and harsh voice shrieking its disapproval of my hesitation, my weakness. I had to make a decision. As the sun inched further over the horizon I watched the bird spiral towards the church spire. It settled down and began to preen its feathers and then turned unseen eyes towards me. 


	3. The press descend

I knew that this had to be stopped before it went any further but some things are easier said then done, especially when you have approximately half an hour before your wedding starts and you suddenly decide that you have made a mistake. It is far worse if you are the son of the president of Esthar, she is the daughter of the interim president of Galbadia, and you are both heroes of the second Sorceress Wars. Much worse.  
  
The world media had assembled in order to document the historic joining of two well loved personalities. They would scrutinise my every move and document every detail, which occurred at the wedding. If I tried to cancel it now, I would be crucified by the press. The vultures would use their column inches to tear both myself and garden apart.  
  
I could not forget that everything I did reflected on both Garden and SeeD. As commander I was the public face, even though I increasingly sent Quistis out to face the hordes. I hid behind my friends; I used them as shields while I retreated further into myself.  
  
As if they could read my mind, I watched the first of the jackals arrive. they poured out of a silver mini van, cameras flashing and voices baying,  
  
"Mr Leonhart, how does it feel to be marrying the woman you love?"  
  
"Mr Leonhart, why did you choose Winhill to be married in? Why not Deling City or Esthar?"  
  
"Mr Leonhart, one picture please!"  
  
They jostled around me, pawing at my expensive suit and yapping at me. A murderous glare and a sweep of my arm sent them scattering backwards to regroup. Taking the few precious moments of respite I ducked under the timeworn arch of the church and strode inside.  
  
There were people already sitting in the old, dark oak pews, my eyes scanned them, recognising some faces but acknowledging no one.  
  
Closing my eyes I allowed the atmosphere of the church to wash over me. It was quiet, only a few whispered conversations and muffled coughs disturbed the stillness. The press would not follow me in here, outside I was fair game but in here, thanks to the combined legal might of Galbadia and Esthar, I was safe.  
  
Sanctuary from those demons I could find, but from the ones in my head it wasn't so easy.  
  
Looking up my eyes traced the beams that supported the roof; they were oak and covered in carvings, strange primitive faces - obviously meant to be guardian spirits, protective entities, but to me they seemed to be leering monsters, delighting in my confusion. A chill ran down my spine and I looked away.  
  
A hand fell on my shoulder and I spun around, a snarl on my lips.  
  
"Whoah Squall," said Zell, hands raised in supplication. "Why so edgy? You need to chill out."  
  
"Whatever."  
  
"Hyne man, it's your wedding day, I'd think you could be a little more happy." Disgusted Zell turned away.  
  
Guiltily I watched him go. Both he and Irvine were my best men, I could have picked no-one else but the two men who had watched my back throughout the war. They were my friends, my comrades and still I shut them out. My isolation had deepened as my feelings of being trapped had intensified.  
  
I always felt forced into my relationship with Rinoa, I had never placed her safety above that of anyone else on my team. She was no more important then Quistis or Selphie, Irvine or Zell, but somehow they thought that she was; or should be and they pushed us together time and time again.  
  
Eventually I gave in and stopped fighting. I allowed myself to be coerced, and I even began to believe it; now I have to find a way to end it. 


End file.
